This is a subject that probably learns more into the realm of being personal than I should probably get into, but it is a reality of life on the road. Just as it is with anyone that is single and keeping their options open to meeting new people. Either new friends or something more. Dating and relationships in the nomad life can be challenging, and often frustrating. It’s another aspect of life on the road you might be curious about if you are considering making the leap.
Ways to Meet Other Singles on the Road
As social creatures, human beings often crave connection. If you have been on social media for longer than ten minutes, you are likely to have already built your friends list up with a wide selection of people you went to high school or college with. Among that number you will probably soon discover how many of these people were interested in you back then, but yeah…high school. Now that we are all adults, it’s time to shoot your shot, or at the very least connect with someone on a different level that doesn’t involve navigating the complex world of cliques, popularity stratums, or general hormone-driven awkwardness.
Dating Apps and Nomad Life
The difficulty in meeting other people has met with technology to turn an already frustrating process into an aggravating one, tinged with false hope. A benefit of using dating apps when you are on the road is that you can cast a wide net. When I was trying to meet people on dating aps while living in a bricks and sticks house, I quickly ran out of options. Even with the range set to a hundred mile radius, your options are limited. On the road, your range is extended.
The drawback to an extended range is the possibility of connecting with someone who isn’t someone you would want to date, much less meet in person, someone who isn’t very interesting, or someone who demonstrates a lack of enthusiasm in even participating in social interaction. I myself have been guilty of this. If someone is a hundred miles away, they are going to have to seem interesting enough for me to invest that amount of time on the road or plan my route to a possible meeting. Either way, 90% of the time, we will probably ghost each other. Using dating apps has the drawback to always being on the lookout for the next best thing. It’s sad but true.
Social Media and the Dating Pool
Facebook and other social media platforms give you the access to communities of people who are interested in meeting other singles. With the added detail of living a nomadic lifestyle, you can put yourself out there for like minded people who are also on the road. Other digital nomads, travelers, or people fed up with the trappings of a traditional lifestyle Who knows, your paths might cross, you might even make the conscious effort for your paths to cross, or at the very least you know who might be in your area without constantly hanging out in grocery stores or laundromats.
Meeting People In Person on the Road
I’m of the opinion that the best connections you will make with people, either as friends or romantic partners, is going to be from meeting in person. You can’t substitute in-person body language, verbal communications, and just simply being in a place where we already have the boxes checked on mutual interests. There’s a lot you can learn from eye contact, a smile, laugh, or mutual chemistry that no amount of smiley emojis can convey. Some of my best friendships and relationships have come from chance meetings. The key is being open to them. Unfortunately van life doesn’t always lend itself to these opportunities, unless you want to spend a fortune on public events like concerts, bars and restaurants, or gatherings. I’m also a firm believer that you don’t meet good partners in bars.
As a digital nomad I have the benefit of having a job, but not a lot of people living the nomad lifestyle have that luxury. Many are homeless, living on a fixed income, or unable to support themselves due to other problems. Sometimes addiction or anti-social personality disorders. I guess that’s about the same for traditional dating. These are all things you figure out over time.
Stick with Your Boundaries
I went on a wonderful date with someone I met on an app early on. As it turned out, I think we had great chemistry and shared values, but my lifestyle was a complication that didn’t mesh well with hers, and that is okay. Nobody should have to tolerate something as drastic as this if they don’t want to. That whole “love conquers all” line is a great way to find yourself unhappy and putting a lot of work into a no-win situation.
I’ve also connected with people whose values were drastically different from my own and I’ve witnessed enough love-bombing and moving too quickly to recognize a red flag when I see it. I’m not the kind of guy who wants to add himself to someone’s roster, MLM, or soak more time than I give to my dog to a situationship with a stranger. If I had known about better boundaries early in my life, I imagine things would be much different than they turned out to be. It’s never too late to start.
Problems with Connecting with Others On the Road
It’s hard enough out there for most people who live in a house. Add in complications like being mobile, taking your safety into consideration, the expense of meeting someone, or enforcing good boundaries with someone on the road, and it makes things even harder beyond a first date. Who says which is the “right” way to live the digital nomad lifestyle anyway?
Distance and Time in Nomad Dating
Sure you’ve cast a wide net, but how far away is this person? What do you really know about them just from a “talking stage?” Even if you have video chatted, texted, or had phone conversations, you are still missing 90% of non-verbal communication that is critical for establishing a real connection. If I match with someone on an app or social media, I still don’t know if taking our mutual curiosity to the next step by meeting in person is worth a tank of fuel or changing direction on a road trip.
There’s also the complication of exactly how much time do you have with this person? I’m sure people have gone on a few dates and decided they really hit it off and want to get serious even faster, but in my experience, it pays to be cautious. You have to have time to put any relationship–platonic or romantic–to the test. Traveling doesn’t always give you the luxury of having a lot of time before moving on to the next place.
Weird and Bitter MFers
I’ve seen this on singles Facebook groups more than anything. Most of the time it’s the men doing it too. For instance, a woman will post a few pictures of places she has visited and some selfies to pique someone’s curiosity and break the ice. Immediately she is dog piled with men pouring on the sugar, calling her darlin’ or honey or flattering the absolute crap out of her. I wonder how many of these geezers actually think any of that sounds enticing, and not at all like construction yard catcalling? I’ve seen it both ways, but usually it’s men in their mid-50s to 60s, strong arming their ways into some poor woman’s DMs.
The bitter ones will usually say something shitty in the process if their advances aren’t immediately reciprocated. Usually calling them names on the way out. They make generalizations about the opposite sex in general, rather than examining themselves for somer serious anti-social behavior that would likely get them tossed out of a bar. But we have the new gift of anonymity thanks to the internet, where men can show their true colors of being abusive assholes without even having to buy a girl dinner first. I’d just rather not participate in that kind of thing, though I have made friends with women I’ve met through singles groups by not being creepy or aggressive. So it is possible.
Comet People
Like a comet that approaches the sun on a regular basis, comet relationships can involve a traveler and someone who is stationary. Either you have to have a lot of trust in the other person or a strong enough bond to make something like that work. Or on the other hand, you are just in it for the semi-regular sex and benefits of a relationship that isn’t constantly in your face. It might be better for situationships, non-monogamy, or polyamorous relationships. But if stability is what you are looking for, or sharing the burden of financial responsibilities is more your thing, it probably isn’t ideal. Think long-distance relationship with added complications.
Crazy People
How do I put this delicately? This lifestyle lends itself to…drama. Mental illness, instability, and personality disorders are almost a requirement with a nomadic lifestyle. Fortunately you can usually call it within a few minutes of talking to someone. Unfortunately, after a while it becomes so normalized that you just figure crazy-ass people are the top dead-center of living on the road. Your degrees of tolerance might shift to say, “Well, I’ve seen worse.” Though this factor isn’t much different than living a traditional lifestyle.
Tagalongs
Not just a Girl Scout cookie, I’ve seen many instances of people hitting it off with someone on the road and all of a sudden they are living together in their RV. It’s even more sudden than U-Hauling. You have to wonder about someone’s intentions when they are willing to just shack up with someone in their house on wheels. I’m sure there are some perfectly sane and honest people out there, or people who decide to enter a trusting relationship in the closed confines of a vehicle that also happens to be your home. With dogs, and/or cats, or even freakin’ macaws.
You do you, but just be careful that your boundaries are such that you aren’t just putting up with a bad relationship because you don’t feeling like walking. It’s a recipe for disaster waiting to happen, and I’ve seen enough instances of people putting up with domestic abuse longer than they should, simply because they don’t want to come home one day to find their home left without them.
Meeting Someone Who Matches Your Values
Anyone who is looking for a relationship, or even open to the idea knows how hard it is past a certain age to actually meet someone who shares their energy and matches their values. I’m fully aware that I could meet the most wonderful woman in the world, but the dealbreaker might be something as minor as she has a cat, and I live in a school bus. Other scenarios might be that someone is struggling with addictions, or has trauma they haven’t dealt with. Really it’s not much different than meeting someone with a traditional lifestyle. But out here on the road, the differences are often exaggerated or take a lot more energy to navigate.
As wide as the net you have to cast, you also lack the concentration of people who might share your values, or simply don’t share hardly any of your values. People living on the road typically have a different perspective on life. They might have been through some things and understand that conventional social mores and values aren’t what they want to subscribe to. Or they realize the precariousness of their situation and are reluctant to complicate their lives with adding someone else into it. Talk about rocking the boat.
Just Create Your Own Space
As much as I invite making connections and allowing myself the possibility of meeting someone during my travels who might make me consider making changes to my lifestyle, right now I’m enjoying my solitude and being single. I can come and go as I please, I can make changes to my plans as they suit my needs, and I can feel comfortable in my own skin. I think one of the problems with adulting and dating and relationships is how quickly we are expected to surrender control of our own lives for the benefits of not being…alone.
I’ve been in relationships where I always felt alone. Being in proximity to another person, or the occasional scraps of emotion they gave me weren’t that fulfilling. Until you can appreciate the time you can give to yourself, and the love you can have for your own quirks and foibles, you are just trying to conform to what you might think someone else might want. In the process you might be sacrificing your values, or time, just to fit into a lifestyle that no longer really matters. Some people can’t bear to be alone. I used to be one of them. Now I really enjoy the time I have to myself. Sometimes to the point where I will just shut off my phone and do whatever I want to do at the time without having to be “on” for someone else.
Maybe one of the unique challenges with our culture today is that we are over-connected. I think my time on the road and in the desert has given me the luxury of finding a peace and being okay with it that I have never before experienced. I have no expectations in discovering nomad soulmates, but maybe just meeting some other people along the way who enjoy the freedom of the open road.
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